Welcome to the uncomfortable, plastic bucket seats they have in airports, the coke stained lino floor which you shoes stick too, welcome to being a non resident parent. Congratulations you have just become a complete non entity in the lives of your children.
Now to prepare you for your stay in the 3rd world of parenting a few pointers -
1. Your opinion is no longer required, oh you may think that having PR (parental responsibility) will give you grounds to have an input into the way your children are cared for, but i have bad news it does not.
2. Accept that all parties including former family members, schools, social services & doctors will treat you with a level a contempt normally held back for the likes of Hitler & Stalin. Any cares you have will quickly be ignored, after all what would you know about how to raise children?
3. Prepare yourself for a campaign of misinformation that would earn people a job with Tony Blairs spin doctors. You are now the devil incarnate, everything will be your fault & make no mistake that your children will be encouraged to blame you completely.
4. Do not, under any circumstances think for even a millisecond that there will be one set of rules, agreed upon by you and your former partner. There will be two sets by where the resident parent does what they like & you do only that which is permitted. Trust me these will not be the same.
5. Your position as a parent has now ended, you are no longer required and in due course will be replaced with someone whom your former partner considers to be more suitable. This will also include a transferal of all your former rights to them.
6. By all means fight for fairness, fight for the continuity you feel is missing, but accept that its like trying to shovel shit in a field full of cows with dysentery. You honestly are going to be disappointed if you believe that you can make a difference.. you cant.
7. Under no circumstances expect the law to help you, it will not. Although the law encourages both parents to have an input it does not enforce this. It will sit idly by while you have the horns and the forked tongue put in place by your former partner.
8. Accept that everything you consider to be normal no longer applies. You will not get what you give, you will get what your former partner wants you to get, which on the whole is a lot of pain. Do not expect Christmas cards, birthday cards, mother/father cards, you are only going to be disappointed.
In short accept that you no longer exist except as a form of payment. By following these simple rules you may find the transitional period between being a parent and no longer being one easier.
P.s I know not all resident parents are like this, there are many good ones.... Just don't bank on yours being one of them.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
Now come on Be Honest
This week saw my annual dreaded debate in our household.. the court Christmas party. Once a year all the people who live in our street have a party, a chance to catch up with one another, and every year without fail i manage to avoid this fake celebration of communal living. This year was no exception to my rule of not attending, but did generate a debate in our household.
I just do not see the point, i go 364 days a year without talking to anyone in our street and that suits me fine, so why once a year, would i want to waste an evening with people i obviously don't like or wish to socialise with? Nor do they wish to spend time talking to me, given that for every other day of the year the closest i get is a nod if I'm driving out of our street.
This got me to thinking about social acceptance overall, why do people in supermarkets ask how you are? they don't care about the answer, in fact most of the time i don't think they listen to it. We spend our days asking what are considered socially polite question, making acceptable observations when we should just be honest. I don't care how the girl that serves me in the supermarket feels so why should i ask? I'm wasting my time asking and hers if I'm not actually interested.
In 2009 I'm going to be more honest in social situations, I'm going to tell the neighbours next year that I'm not joining them for 'Festive Cheer' because i would sooner watch paint dry than be bored stupid by their sycophantic displays of camaraderie.
I just do not see the point, i go 364 days a year without talking to anyone in our street and that suits me fine, so why once a year, would i want to waste an evening with people i obviously don't like or wish to socialise with? Nor do they wish to spend time talking to me, given that for every other day of the year the closest i get is a nod if I'm driving out of our street.
This got me to thinking about social acceptance overall, why do people in supermarkets ask how you are? they don't care about the answer, in fact most of the time i don't think they listen to it. We spend our days asking what are considered socially polite question, making acceptable observations when we should just be honest. I don't care how the girl that serves me in the supermarket feels so why should i ask? I'm wasting my time asking and hers if I'm not actually interested.
In 2009 I'm going to be more honest in social situations, I'm going to tell the neighbours next year that I'm not joining them for 'Festive Cheer' because i would sooner watch paint dry than be bored stupid by their sycophantic displays of camaraderie.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
...And Justice For All
One of the legal changes to where I live took place a few months ago, snuck through under the radar by state government. Abortion where i live is now legal... & bravo say I. It is the free choice of those would be parents to decide if they are ready to be parents, ready or even able to bring into the world another mouth to feed.
And in there's the rub, the choice of both would be parents. On one of my many lengthy debates with friends and family i have been accused of being sexist, narrow minded and even dictatorial on the subject of abortion, why you ask? I shall share.
It is & has been for many years my strong belief that abortion should be legal, an choice for individuals, but that the legal position surrounding abortion must be addressed in the interest of sexual equality. Now just hold on a second i hear the feminists cry, it's our body that suffers, it's our figure shot to bits, its us that will be expected to raise the child so why should the father have a say? Well let us stop and think for just a brief moment before we slaughter lady justice on the alter of post feminism. Assuming that a couple have received this happy (or unhappy assuming they are considering abortion) news, & that said couple have reached this juncture via consensual sex then must not the feelings of the father be taken into account? If the conception was consensual then all decision will follow should also be.
Alas men fine themselves in a no win situation, if the mother wants to keep the child despite the fathers opinions then he ends up a dad to a child he didn't want, meeting costs he knew he couldn't afford. If he wants to keep the child and the mother wants an abortion then he has no choice, he must live out his days in the knowledge of what could have been.
Regardless of if i am pro-life or not this position is untenable... To often in today's family courts the mothers position is one of absolute power, while the father's is ignored and treated with contempt, but the rant of injustice regarding support, contact and residency of children within estranged families is one for a much longer blog post...
And in there's the rub, the choice of both would be parents. On one of my many lengthy debates with friends and family i have been accused of being sexist, narrow minded and even dictatorial on the subject of abortion, why you ask? I shall share.
It is & has been for many years my strong belief that abortion should be legal, an choice for individuals, but that the legal position surrounding abortion must be addressed in the interest of sexual equality. Now just hold on a second i hear the feminists cry, it's our body that suffers, it's our figure shot to bits, its us that will be expected to raise the child so why should the father have a say? Well let us stop and think for just a brief moment before we slaughter lady justice on the alter of post feminism. Assuming that a couple have received this happy (or unhappy assuming they are considering abortion) news, & that said couple have reached this juncture via consensual sex then must not the feelings of the father be taken into account? If the conception was consensual then all decision will follow should also be.
Alas men fine themselves in a no win situation, if the mother wants to keep the child despite the fathers opinions then he ends up a dad to a child he didn't want, meeting costs he knew he couldn't afford. If he wants to keep the child and the mother wants an abortion then he has no choice, he must live out his days in the knowledge of what could have been.
Regardless of if i am pro-life or not this position is untenable... To often in today's family courts the mothers position is one of absolute power, while the father's is ignored and treated with contempt, but the rant of injustice regarding support, contact and residency of children within estranged families is one for a much longer blog post...
Monday, December 1, 2008
Open All Hours
For those old enough to remember, what ever happened to Arckrights? If we think back we can remember a time where customers were respected, where shop assistants were helpfull, a time when they knew about the product or service they sold, but alas those days as the song says are gone my friend.
Some advice for shop assistants both young and old, full time or Saturday staff:-
1. It is we the customer who keep you in a job, we who pay your wages with our purchases so a little respect if you please.
2. Have a good knowledge of the product or service you are selling. If your working in a CD department at least have a passing knowledge of music, if your selling computers then at least know a little about them.
3. Never be afraid to say "I dont know, but I can find out". Dont bluff, dont guess, it is not a sign of poor service to admit that your not omnipotent.
4. Even if your earning commision it is more important to sell a customer something they want, that will serve the purpose they need than something expensive.
Yes, thats right I have over the weekend been shopping for Christmas gifts and I find myself awash with incompetant fools, uncaring salesman & ill-mannered shop assistants. In one shop ( i shall not name names, but its Hardly Normal) I witnessed what i can only describe as an outright lie to sell a product. An older couple shopping for a games console were advised that the Sony PS3 was the way to go, at no point did the young shop assistant see that they were shopping for young grandchildren who obviously would have been much better off with a Nintendo Wii, oh no all he saw was the cash till ringing up his commision.
I myself was sold an electronic picture frame & separate hard drive, assured by the pre pubescent shop girl that they would work together without any problem at all. Only later did i find that it is almost impossible to find a frame that works with a separate hard drive. I witnessed my pet hate of two checkout staff discussing their love lives while serving me... In my opinion the height of bad manners.
The sooner managers and shop owners realise we the consuming public want, expect nay demand more the better. I for one will not be returning to said electrical store and i should imagine that the couple who purchased a PS3 for two 6 year olds are now sitting at home wondering why it wont play Mario games....
Some advice for shop assistants both young and old, full time or Saturday staff:-
1. It is we the customer who keep you in a job, we who pay your wages with our purchases so a little respect if you please.
2. Have a good knowledge of the product or service you are selling. If your working in a CD department at least have a passing knowledge of music, if your selling computers then at least know a little about them.
3. Never be afraid to say "I dont know, but I can find out". Dont bluff, dont guess, it is not a sign of poor service to admit that your not omnipotent.
4. Even if your earning commision it is more important to sell a customer something they want, that will serve the purpose they need than something expensive.
Yes, thats right I have over the weekend been shopping for Christmas gifts and I find myself awash with incompetant fools, uncaring salesman & ill-mannered shop assistants. In one shop ( i shall not name names, but its Hardly Normal) I witnessed what i can only describe as an outright lie to sell a product. An older couple shopping for a games console were advised that the Sony PS3 was the way to go, at no point did the young shop assistant see that they were shopping for young grandchildren who obviously would have been much better off with a Nintendo Wii, oh no all he saw was the cash till ringing up his commision.
I myself was sold an electronic picture frame & separate hard drive, assured by the pre pubescent shop girl that they would work together without any problem at all. Only later did i find that it is almost impossible to find a frame that works with a separate hard drive. I witnessed my pet hate of two checkout staff discussing their love lives while serving me... In my opinion the height of bad manners.
The sooner managers and shop owners realise we the consuming public want, expect nay demand more the better. I for one will not be returning to said electrical store and i should imagine that the couple who purchased a PS3 for two 6 year olds are now sitting at home wondering why it wont play Mario games....
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