NRP, if you know what it stands for you probably are one, if you don't let me enlighten you. NRP stands for Non Resident Parent, it is a term used by schools, courts & resident parents to categorise one parent into a position of less importance, ability or influence when compared with the parent with whom a child resides. Although it is accepted that NRP stands for Non Resident Parent it would be fair to say it is considered by judges, head teachers and social services to stand for Not Really Parental.
As the law stands if a person has Parental Responsibility for a child, and no restrictive court orders are in place, than that person is to be treated with the same consideration, legally, morally and regardless of where the child resides as any other with Parental Responsibility. Courts are required by law to consider opinions from all those with PR when making decisions for the welfare of the child. Schools are required to keep all parents with PR informed with newsletters, permission forms, school reports and even as far as invitations to parents evenings.
PR means that although your child may not reside with you all the time, you are still as important a voice in their wellbeing as your former partner. You have the right to know, and have an input into where they live, with whom, what school they attend, what religion (if any) they follow. Let us be clear on another issue before we plunge head first into the crux of the matter, being a resident parent is not the same thing as having a residency order. To expand for those fortunate enough to have no idea what I'm talking about, a residency order is made by a court when the child's residency arrangements can not be agreed upon. In the absence of any order no single parent has any more legal rights than another, so just because your a resident parent do not think you automatically have the rights that a residency order gives, you don't, you are a resident parent because your former spouse has allowed you to be, not because a court has appointed you.
So now we have cleared up the situation let me explain why today's thoughts wander to the subject, alternatively let me ask a few questions, and honestly if you wish to reply i am interested in your views on this -
1. Why do i not receive a copy of my sons school report without asking 5 times for it?
2. Why have i missed out on the last two years of school photographs?
3. Why am i not allowed to take my son on holiday to Disney world?
4. How did my son attend a school trip without my permission?
5. Why was i not aware that my son had been made house captain at school?
6. How can my son attend a high school when i have no knowledge of which one?
The answers to all of these should by now be obvious, I am a parent, and that should be enough to ensure that the above questions are never asked, but because i am a parent who does not live at the same address as my son (i do hate the term NRP) i am, in the eyes of some, not really a parent at all. I say this to highlight the difficulties that have befallen a great many thanks to the need by some to categorise everything. I do not see myself as anything but a parent, i do not live with my mum and dad now, but that does not make them non resident parents, they are just parents and always will be. In addition they are grandparents, but their grandchildren do not live with them so shouldn't they be NRGP. I do not live with my sister but i do not think of her as a non resident sister. The point here is why do people have to be labeled? The adding of non resident before parent instantly denotes that you are of less importance, that in some way your opinions are trivial, after all you don't even live with your child so you obviously don't care as much as the parent that does.
Parenting is a minefield, be it a couple who have remained together, a couple who have separated or step parenting, but that minefield is only increased in danger when establishments who should remain supportive of all family structures encourage a shift in the balance of power. The good news is there is a simple solution, abolish the term NRP, do away the label which demotes one parent to simple spectator. Decisions could then be much the same as a joint bank account, requiring two signatures for forms regarding school trips, two addresses for correspondence after all give the child has now gone back to having two parents instead of one and a NRP they could be living at either address.
Courts must begin this change, by ensuring the current status quo is destroyed. At present if i wish to take my son to Disney world I must attend court to get a judges order. This is not because i need one, in truth i could, legally remove my son to America (must take own coffee) for a period of time no exceeding 28 days, I have this right because firstly I have parental responsibility for him and secondly because my former partner doesnt have and has never needed a residency order. So why would i need to go to court you ask? The answer is i must go to court to enforce my rights, because his passport was obtained without my permission i have no access to it, and am not allowed it because his other parent resents me taking him on holiday. So i must go to court to uphold the law??? This must change, the premise that you should attend court to enforce the law at your cost is diabolical.
I have only one category to parenting, you are a parent or you are not. Either you have reproduced with another human to create life or you have not, its that simple. Where you live, who you live with, what you do, who you are have no relevance in this if you have created life you are a parent and will be for the rest of your days. Ask yourself this, if you no longer live at home do you no longer consider your mum and dad to be parents? Or better still ask your parents if they no longer think of themselves that way. On step parents let me offer my humble point of view, I love all three of my wife's children & have, i would like to think, helped them through some difficult times with compassion, support and the odd glimpse of wisdom, but i am not their parent, they are not my children. The only people who consider a step child in the idea of i treat them like they are my own are step parents who don't have their own, if you do ask yourself this little conundrum, if your step children and your own child were against a wall about to be shot and you could only save one which would it be? My answer is always the same, my own, and that's why i know they are not mine, my wife's answer is i couldn't choose, but i know it would be one of my own, and that's why she knows my son is not hers.
So to conclude what has been i think the longest blog i have ever done, if you have created life you are a parent, regardless of your circumstances you will always be a parent and that is as far as the label should go, you may not be a mum or a dad because your actions earn you those titles not your circumstances, but that my long suffering readers is another tale for another time.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
A Serving Suggestion...
They say revenge is a dish best served cold. Now that's a saying as old as the hills, but I'm yet to work out the best way to prepare this dish... That is until now. We have contemplated revenge at some time or another, how to get even with that ex lover, neighbour, the school bully. We have all plotted our methodical all be it hypothetical plan to inflict the maximum damage upon those who have wronged us, and then without the courage to act out our plan we have all let revenge eat away at us.
Now i have more than my share of skeletons in the proverbial closet, I have in the past wronged people who deserve their want for revenge, and just as many have wronged me and are worthy of my desire to do unto them etc, but of late i think i have cracked it, the ultimate revenge, the sort of comeback that takes a long time to achieve, but gives the definitive feeling that you got your own back. The trick is to do nothing. WHAT? I hear the chorus of disapproval already from those that have to listen to me rant on about my former spouse, but wait, stop, think about it for just a second. By doing nothing, by moving forward and living life to the full have I not extracted the sweetest revenge? I hear often about things my former spouse would like to happen to me, most involve large fast moving vehicles, strains of some yet to be cured virus or the random appearance of holes in the ground large enough to consume me, but hang on think I. It is alleged that the aim on my part was to ruin her life, well if after 8 years she's still looking to get even then i would argue its fair to say i managed it. While if we view my side of the coin after 8 years I'm happy, married to a fantastic woman and feel no ill will towards by ex, so if her aim was to ruin my life, as my 14 year old step son says, Epic Failure.
My point is this, you don't have to love someone or hate them, you can just live your life and let them worry about theirs. When you make it your life's aim to wrong another person all in the name of revenge then your not getting it, in fact your letting them just get further in front. Sometimes I wonder many things about those who would do me wrong, do they know how flattering it is that they still have nothing better to talk about than me? Do their new partners not resent the effort they put into finding new and elaborate ways to try and deliver their furious anger? I do not seek revenge on those that have or do wrong me anymore, i have learnt that the best vengeance is to not waste another second of your time on that person, to live your live to the full showing them that no matter how awful their actions they have no effect on you. Just as revenge may be best served cold, i prefer Mr Tyler's advice... Don't get mad get even.
Now i have more than my share of skeletons in the proverbial closet, I have in the past wronged people who deserve their want for revenge, and just as many have wronged me and are worthy of my desire to do unto them etc, but of late i think i have cracked it, the ultimate revenge, the sort of comeback that takes a long time to achieve, but gives the definitive feeling that you got your own back. The trick is to do nothing. WHAT? I hear the chorus of disapproval already from those that have to listen to me rant on about my former spouse, but wait, stop, think about it for just a second. By doing nothing, by moving forward and living life to the full have I not extracted the sweetest revenge? I hear often about things my former spouse would like to happen to me, most involve large fast moving vehicles, strains of some yet to be cured virus or the random appearance of holes in the ground large enough to consume me, but hang on think I. It is alleged that the aim on my part was to ruin her life, well if after 8 years she's still looking to get even then i would argue its fair to say i managed it. While if we view my side of the coin after 8 years I'm happy, married to a fantastic woman and feel no ill will towards by ex, so if her aim was to ruin my life, as my 14 year old step son says, Epic Failure.
My point is this, you don't have to love someone or hate them, you can just live your life and let them worry about theirs. When you make it your life's aim to wrong another person all in the name of revenge then your not getting it, in fact your letting them just get further in front. Sometimes I wonder many things about those who would do me wrong, do they know how flattering it is that they still have nothing better to talk about than me? Do their new partners not resent the effort they put into finding new and elaborate ways to try and deliver their furious anger? I do not seek revenge on those that have or do wrong me anymore, i have learnt that the best vengeance is to not waste another second of your time on that person, to live your live to the full showing them that no matter how awful their actions they have no effect on you. Just as revenge may be best served cold, i prefer Mr Tyler's advice... Don't get mad get even.
From Across The Pond...
I see from the rather self indulgent little counter on my blog that I have had a few new visitors, some new readers prepared to tolerate my ramblings so welcome its nice to see a little colour on my counter, or should that be color given that my new victi... ahem readers are from the land of the Star Spangled Banner.
Ahhh Americans, probably the most misunderstood people on earth. Now I'm not talking about misunderstood in the linguistic sense, although i admit to struggling sometimes with semi drunk Americans who leave garbled messages which i often have to listen too 3 times before comprehending the words. I'm talking about perception, the way the rest of the world See's Americans.
Let me be honest, Americans are perceived as crass, rude, ignorant and almost arrogant people by many other nations around the world and i think this is a little unfair. I don't think Americans are trying to belittle the rest of the world by referring to it like a poor relation, i just think they have a huge sense of national pride, they honestly feel that although the rest of the world is just fine thank you Uncle Sam they would rather be Americans than anything else. Allow me a couple of examples -
Coffee, a simple enough beverage, yet many a time i have heard Americans abroad say they cant wait to get home for a decent cup of coffee. Now this is not arrogance, this is an honest belief that American coffee, much like anything else American is better than anyone else's. I do have bad news for the land of the free, home of the brave. I have traveled to all but one continent on the planet and have lived off coffee for over 20 years, honestly American coffee is just about the worst i have tasted, i was actually grateful to get on a plane because the coffee was an improvement. I say this not to rile my colonial visitors, but to highlight something, which hand on heart i am getting too.
Language, ahhh the English language, the voice that gave the world Shakespeare, Churchill, and Keats, the vocalisation of Harry Potter and Lord Of The Rings. Somehow the language got butchered when it reached the shores of America, i suppose this is what happens when you leave it to an Italian to introduce a nation to the English language. Yet, Americans find the way the English use the words amusing, and are prone to trying to correct what they perceive as inaccuracies in the spoken word. Let us be clear coloUr... Again I don't think this is arrogance, but a strong sense of national pride, a sense that however America does it must be right & anywhere that differs from that must be, well a little bit stupid.
So i come to the point, as nations around the world we could all do with learning a bit from the Americans, so many countries have lost there sense of identity, of pride. We adopt cultures, we encourage multi racial society, but in doing so we surrender what makes us individual nations. Now don't get me wrong I'm not against many cultures trying to live together in harmony, and I'm not suggesting that immigrant society's should surrender their culture or beliefs at passport control. What i do say is show some pride, embrace your new home and try to adopt some of the culture that it offers, but above everything do not try to change the country to suit your wants, you are a guest in another country not their to change it so its exactly the same as where you have come from.
How does all this link to Americans? Two ways, firstly that America defends its culture, its structure, it takes the stand that you are in the best country on earth so why would you want to change it. This maybe misguided, but you have to admire the self belief. Secondly if your American stop trying to change everywhere else in the world to your model, maybe we don't want a drive thru McDonald's on every street, maybe we enjoy our fish and chips or our kebab shops. Sometimes its hard to tell with Americans, do they moan because they believe that everywhere is a poor second to the States or do they moan because by seeing other countries that belief is challenged, do they realise that nowhere is perfect, that even the good old U S of A is missing things that other places have....
Oh & ....... Its colour with a U!
Ahhh Americans, probably the most misunderstood people on earth. Now I'm not talking about misunderstood in the linguistic sense, although i admit to struggling sometimes with semi drunk Americans who leave garbled messages which i often have to listen too 3 times before comprehending the words. I'm talking about perception, the way the rest of the world See's Americans.
Let me be honest, Americans are perceived as crass, rude, ignorant and almost arrogant people by many other nations around the world and i think this is a little unfair. I don't think Americans are trying to belittle the rest of the world by referring to it like a poor relation, i just think they have a huge sense of national pride, they honestly feel that although the rest of the world is just fine thank you Uncle Sam they would rather be Americans than anything else. Allow me a couple of examples -
Coffee, a simple enough beverage, yet many a time i have heard Americans abroad say they cant wait to get home for a decent cup of coffee. Now this is not arrogance, this is an honest belief that American coffee, much like anything else American is better than anyone else's. I do have bad news for the land of the free, home of the brave. I have traveled to all but one continent on the planet and have lived off coffee for over 20 years, honestly American coffee is just about the worst i have tasted, i was actually grateful to get on a plane because the coffee was an improvement. I say this not to rile my colonial visitors, but to highlight something, which hand on heart i am getting too.
Language, ahhh the English language, the voice that gave the world Shakespeare, Churchill, and Keats, the vocalisation of Harry Potter and Lord Of The Rings. Somehow the language got butchered when it reached the shores of America, i suppose this is what happens when you leave it to an Italian to introduce a nation to the English language. Yet, Americans find the way the English use the words amusing, and are prone to trying to correct what they perceive as inaccuracies in the spoken word. Let us be clear coloUr... Again I don't think this is arrogance, but a strong sense of national pride, a sense that however America does it must be right & anywhere that differs from that must be, well a little bit stupid.
So i come to the point, as nations around the world we could all do with learning a bit from the Americans, so many countries have lost there sense of identity, of pride. We adopt cultures, we encourage multi racial society, but in doing so we surrender what makes us individual nations. Now don't get me wrong I'm not against many cultures trying to live together in harmony, and I'm not suggesting that immigrant society's should surrender their culture or beliefs at passport control. What i do say is show some pride, embrace your new home and try to adopt some of the culture that it offers, but above everything do not try to change the country to suit your wants, you are a guest in another country not their to change it so its exactly the same as where you have come from.
How does all this link to Americans? Two ways, firstly that America defends its culture, its structure, it takes the stand that you are in the best country on earth so why would you want to change it. This maybe misguided, but you have to admire the self belief. Secondly if your American stop trying to change everywhere else in the world to your model, maybe we don't want a drive thru McDonald's on every street, maybe we enjoy our fish and chips or our kebab shops. Sometimes its hard to tell with Americans, do they moan because they believe that everywhere is a poor second to the States or do they moan because by seeing other countries that belief is challenged, do they realise that nowhere is perfect, that even the good old U S of A is missing things that other places have....
Oh & ....... Its colour with a U!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
The same old Cliche
I have a confession to make, an honest straight up, hand on heart confession. I make this not for redemption or for need of forgiveness, but to establish a truth. I do not remember the name of the first girl I ever kissed! There I said it, I remember she was blonde, that she lived somewhere in Devon or could have been Cornwall in England & I remember this supposed unforgettable encounter took place in the gardens of a hotel on the island of Crete, but I do not remember her name and for that I am not sorry at all.
I say this not because of some regret, or out of malicious spite, but to highlight an illusion we surround ourselves with, how people feed us cliché’s about what we will never forget, what we will hold to our hearts till our last pull of air. I don’t believe there are a set of events which each and every person remembers, I feel there are moments in an individual life which leave a mark.
Allow me to explain, if you’re a parent inevitably someone will have told you that you will never forget the day your child took its first steps, that occasion will be so ingrained that you will forever recollect that sense of pride. Bad news, you won’t! Oh you may remember the steps themselves but I bet you cant tell me what day of the week it was, what the weather was like or what the child was wearing without looking at the video you recorded of it, which incidentally I never believed, there is just too much coincidence that parents happen to be videoing their child at the exact moment the child decides its had enough of being on all fours.
Now I know exactly where I was on December 10th 2000, I know exactly what I did all day, what the weather was like, I can even tell you what was playing on the radio in my car at 8pm. Why do I recall all this? Because that day, that year at that time a momentous event took place in my life, an event which would go on to shape the life I lead now, but I don’t know where I was when John Lennon was shot, when Kurt Cobain took his life or when that posh bird crashed a car in a Paris tunnel.
What I’m getting at, in a very roundabout way, is don’t feel bad because you don’t remember your first kiss, don’t feel you’re a failure because you don’t recall where you were when the Berlin Wall came down. Despite common held cliché’s the only things you will remember are the events that affected your life directly & because we learn from past events they are the only things you really need to remember. Better to remember your wedding anniversary (no I didn’t forget it) than where you were the day Michael Jackson died, after all unlikely that Jackson will hold a grudge that you forgot his death whereas your partner will never forgive you for forgetting an anniversary.
Oh & to the blonde in Crete….. Thank you, I may not remember the name, but I remember the kiss.
I say this not because of some regret, or out of malicious spite, but to highlight an illusion we surround ourselves with, how people feed us cliché’s about what we will never forget, what we will hold to our hearts till our last pull of air. I don’t believe there are a set of events which each and every person remembers, I feel there are moments in an individual life which leave a mark.
Allow me to explain, if you’re a parent inevitably someone will have told you that you will never forget the day your child took its first steps, that occasion will be so ingrained that you will forever recollect that sense of pride. Bad news, you won’t! Oh you may remember the steps themselves but I bet you cant tell me what day of the week it was, what the weather was like or what the child was wearing without looking at the video you recorded of it, which incidentally I never believed, there is just too much coincidence that parents happen to be videoing their child at the exact moment the child decides its had enough of being on all fours.
Now I know exactly where I was on December 10th 2000, I know exactly what I did all day, what the weather was like, I can even tell you what was playing on the radio in my car at 8pm. Why do I recall all this? Because that day, that year at that time a momentous event took place in my life, an event which would go on to shape the life I lead now, but I don’t know where I was when John Lennon was shot, when Kurt Cobain took his life or when that posh bird crashed a car in a Paris tunnel.
What I’m getting at, in a very roundabout way, is don’t feel bad because you don’t remember your first kiss, don’t feel you’re a failure because you don’t recall where you were when the Berlin Wall came down. Despite common held cliché’s the only things you will remember are the events that affected your life directly & because we learn from past events they are the only things you really need to remember. Better to remember your wedding anniversary (no I didn’t forget it) than where you were the day Michael Jackson died, after all unlikely that Jackson will hold a grudge that you forgot his death whereas your partner will never forgive you for forgetting an anniversary.
Oh & to the blonde in Crete….. Thank you, I may not remember the name, but I remember the kiss.
Monday, September 14, 2009
The Second Times A Charm
The 13th September is without a doubt the most hectic day of the year for my mobile phone. Every other day it sits forlorn on my desk or in the dark unknown of my coat pocket (what it has in there for company i don't know or want to know), but on the 13th of September it springs into life, chiming away all day, happy to be of use for at least 24hrs a year.
Why? Well the 13th of September is my wedding anniversary, it marks the day that my second wife and I decided to not let past experience bitter our hopes, but to take a chance that there is a happy ever after for everyone. It is also the same day my parents married 40 years ago & the same day my dearly beloved Aunt and Uncle tied the knot. So as you can imagine text's, calls and emails bounce around our family hub like 5 year old's at a party high on cola and smarties.
For 'she who must be obeyed' and I it marks 6 years of wedded bliss, and the second crack at marriage for both of us. In contrast my mum and dad have been united against the bumps in the road of life for 40 years. All this got me to thinking about how far I have come since my first marriage, what i have learnt and how i ensure that the next 34 years are as happy as the last 6. I concluded I have a lot to thank my first wife for.... There you didn't expect that did you?
Whats this? you ask, thanks for the nemesis who haunts your past and plagues your present, this cant be, but stop and consider the child learning to walk. He falls he gets up he tries again in a different way, and what is the failure of a marriage if not falling over, the trick is to learn from it and oh boy did i learn. I'm a firm believer that the failure of my 1st marriage has given me everything i need to make sure i don't fall over again & in there lays the crux of the matter.
How have my parents stayed together for 40years, happy and loving without the experience of what not to do? This is what i have been pondering over the cards, flowers and heart shaped chocolates. What has influenced the higher rate of divorce over the last 15 years, why does till death i do part now translate to till you get the letter from my lawyer? There are many who claim divorce is to easy, these people have obviously never tried to get divorced. Yet more claim its a degeneration of social values, oh i see that, now that abused women leave a violent husband rather than stay because of what the neighbours might say that's a real degeneration, i honestly worry about anyone who thinks that's a slip downhill in social values. Apparently pressure is a huge factor, many couples now have huge demands on relatively slight incomes, well that's been true for as long as anyone can remember & as time has gone by most of those demands are self inflicted cases of wanting the big house, flash car and plasma screen rather than needing new school shoes for the kids.
Sociologists claim its to do with example, just as a young male growing up in an environment where his dad beats his mum is statistically more likely to beat his own wife, divorced parents are more likely to have children who will also end up divorced. I disagree, my own parents are still married as are my ex wife's. If memory serves i think both sets celebrate their ruby wedding anniversary this year so that argument just doesn't hold water. In fact i would say that rather than look at my parents marriage with a degree of scorn and attempt to do things differently, as i did the 1st time around, i have taken a lot from their example and tried to emulate it.
The fact is simple, there are two types of divorced couples, those that hate each other and spit venom at one another constantly and those that cant move on past the failure to give life a second chance. The first should never have got married & the second should never have got a divorce, but all need not be lost. If you are in the first, thank your ex, be grateful for the lessons you have learnt & implement them next time around. Honestly i have found that i learnt so much from failing and by helping me fail my former spouse has helped me find much happiness. If you are in the second group of those who should not have got divorced things are much harder, because the chances are your ex spouse is the first group and there is no future in trying to love someone who now hates you, i have never been in this group so sorry but i can offer little advice.
So to conclude this is a post all about thanks. Thanks to the former Ms. Commonman for teaching me what not to do and in doing so teaching me how to get things right, thanks to my parents for never doing to me what my ex and i have done to our son & above everyone thanks to my good lady for not judging a future by its past, for having the courage to roll the dice again.... double six... advance to go collect another 6 bliss full years.
Why? Well the 13th of September is my wedding anniversary, it marks the day that my second wife and I decided to not let past experience bitter our hopes, but to take a chance that there is a happy ever after for everyone. It is also the same day my parents married 40 years ago & the same day my dearly beloved Aunt and Uncle tied the knot. So as you can imagine text's, calls and emails bounce around our family hub like 5 year old's at a party high on cola and smarties.
For 'she who must be obeyed' and I it marks 6 years of wedded bliss, and the second crack at marriage for both of us. In contrast my mum and dad have been united against the bumps in the road of life for 40 years. All this got me to thinking about how far I have come since my first marriage, what i have learnt and how i ensure that the next 34 years are as happy as the last 6. I concluded I have a lot to thank my first wife for.... There you didn't expect that did you?
Whats this? you ask, thanks for the nemesis who haunts your past and plagues your present, this cant be, but stop and consider the child learning to walk. He falls he gets up he tries again in a different way, and what is the failure of a marriage if not falling over, the trick is to learn from it and oh boy did i learn. I'm a firm believer that the failure of my 1st marriage has given me everything i need to make sure i don't fall over again & in there lays the crux of the matter.
How have my parents stayed together for 40years, happy and loving without the experience of what not to do? This is what i have been pondering over the cards, flowers and heart shaped chocolates. What has influenced the higher rate of divorce over the last 15 years, why does till death i do part now translate to till you get the letter from my lawyer? There are many who claim divorce is to easy, these people have obviously never tried to get divorced. Yet more claim its a degeneration of social values, oh i see that, now that abused women leave a violent husband rather than stay because of what the neighbours might say that's a real degeneration, i honestly worry about anyone who thinks that's a slip downhill in social values. Apparently pressure is a huge factor, many couples now have huge demands on relatively slight incomes, well that's been true for as long as anyone can remember & as time has gone by most of those demands are self inflicted cases of wanting the big house, flash car and plasma screen rather than needing new school shoes for the kids.
Sociologists claim its to do with example, just as a young male growing up in an environment where his dad beats his mum is statistically more likely to beat his own wife, divorced parents are more likely to have children who will also end up divorced. I disagree, my own parents are still married as are my ex wife's. If memory serves i think both sets celebrate their ruby wedding anniversary this year so that argument just doesn't hold water. In fact i would say that rather than look at my parents marriage with a degree of scorn and attempt to do things differently, as i did the 1st time around, i have taken a lot from their example and tried to emulate it.
The fact is simple, there are two types of divorced couples, those that hate each other and spit venom at one another constantly and those that cant move on past the failure to give life a second chance. The first should never have got married & the second should never have got a divorce, but all need not be lost. If you are in the first, thank your ex, be grateful for the lessons you have learnt & implement them next time around. Honestly i have found that i learnt so much from failing and by helping me fail my former spouse has helped me find much happiness. If you are in the second group of those who should not have got divorced things are much harder, because the chances are your ex spouse is the first group and there is no future in trying to love someone who now hates you, i have never been in this group so sorry but i can offer little advice.
So to conclude this is a post all about thanks. Thanks to the former Ms. Commonman for teaching me what not to do and in doing so teaching me how to get things right, thanks to my parents for never doing to me what my ex and i have done to our son & above everyone thanks to my good lady for not judging a future by its past, for having the courage to roll the dice again.... double six... advance to go collect another 6 bliss full years.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
I Want To Break Free
Ahhh the sweet smell of freedom, the rapture of being out from under the yoke. This week i feel like Steve McQueen in the great escape after breaking out of the POW camp. If I had a motorbike i would no doubt ride it far to fast without a helmet just to emphasise to myself the sense of being free.
Following recent events I have retired my membership of afore mentioned Internet forum & not with some sweeping radical statement, but without word of regret or ill will towards those that remain. On day one of my exodus i thought it would be hard to cope, on day two i expected to feel a pang of remorse, a calling from within pulling me back to my lost utopia, but nay to all of this I have felt liberated, i have tasted the sweet fruit of free choice and to be honest 'I like dem apples'.
A common theme of my thoughts and posts is Internet addiction and the weight we put on friendships, relationships and perception via the net. Once again i find myself on the outside of the bubble looking in and once again i see the effect others can have on us. This week, without the expectations of strangers I have spent some fantastic time with my dearly beloved, played the games i wanted to play rather than playing games to fit in, been more productive at work not tempted to stop for 5 just to look at whats been said about who by people i don't know, but above all I have found that the time i have retaken for myself is rather good when spent doing what i want to do.
Now this liberation all sounds very Rosy, but there is a thorn to it, a sharp pang of pain. Once more i let myself be monopolised by the Internet, once more i fell into fitting in rather than being me, this is not a criticism at other people, not an accusatory finger thrust into the chest of my former forum allies. This is a criticism of me, I have seen everything that has unfolded before and yet i still let myself get swept along in it all and that has been a harsh lesson for me, that like an ex smoker or heroin addict, you never honestly quit your just one temptation away from addiction again.
However for now i have seen the light and am enjoying my new found freedom from the weight of expectation, i no longer feel I'm letting anyone down by not being online, by not accepting requests to play games i don't want too, instead i am enthused with a new found liberty & although I'm sure i will feel tempted by the lure of pretend popularity again one day, it is not this day, today my wife, my time, my family and my freedom are far to important....... maybe you should try it?
Following recent events I have retired my membership of afore mentioned Internet forum & not with some sweeping radical statement, but without word of regret or ill will towards those that remain. On day one of my exodus i thought it would be hard to cope, on day two i expected to feel a pang of remorse, a calling from within pulling me back to my lost utopia, but nay to all of this I have felt liberated, i have tasted the sweet fruit of free choice and to be honest 'I like dem apples'.
A common theme of my thoughts and posts is Internet addiction and the weight we put on friendships, relationships and perception via the net. Once again i find myself on the outside of the bubble looking in and once again i see the effect others can have on us. This week, without the expectations of strangers I have spent some fantastic time with my dearly beloved, played the games i wanted to play rather than playing games to fit in, been more productive at work not tempted to stop for 5 just to look at whats been said about who by people i don't know, but above all I have found that the time i have retaken for myself is rather good when spent doing what i want to do.
Now this liberation all sounds very Rosy, but there is a thorn to it, a sharp pang of pain. Once more i let myself be monopolised by the Internet, once more i fell into fitting in rather than being me, this is not a criticism at other people, not an accusatory finger thrust into the chest of my former forum allies. This is a criticism of me, I have seen everything that has unfolded before and yet i still let myself get swept along in it all and that has been a harsh lesson for me, that like an ex smoker or heroin addict, you never honestly quit your just one temptation away from addiction again.
However for now i have seen the light and am enjoying my new found freedom from the weight of expectation, i no longer feel I'm letting anyone down by not being online, by not accepting requests to play games i don't want too, instead i am enthused with a new found liberty & although I'm sure i will feel tempted by the lure of pretend popularity again one day, it is not this day, today my wife, my time, my family and my freedom are far to important....... maybe you should try it?
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
At any cost
This morning i awoke from my slumber and as i am inclined to do checked the forum i am a member of, to my dismay an injustice had occurred while i slept, a cheat had used foul means to climb the ladder, incensed i cried out for justice, and this led me to think about the ways in which we as a society are undergoing a radical shift towards the immoral and unjust.
To the uninitiated I am a keen player of a trusted xbox 360, when 'gamers' (and i use the term loosely to describe myself) play 360 games they unlock achievements for doing certain things, these can be finishing a level or finding a secret room. Most games are given 1000 achievement points and some may be worth 20 points while some are worth 100, anyway you get the picture. Now to be clear I know it shouldn't matter, i know i should play the game to enjoy it, especially considering that the points don't earn you anything, but there is a certain sense of satisfaction in getting those silly points & an even greater sense of accomplishment if you succeed in getting the full 1000/1000. Now to the ladder i mentioned, on the forum I'm a member of there is a league table where members Gamer score's are ranked in order, again this is childish, but the natural competitive nature of humans means that we take some gloating satisfaction at being above people on the ladder and look with envious eyes towards those above us.
There are ways in which gamers may cheat the system, boost their scores, there are ways to fool the xbox that you have played a game, got 1000/1000 points without ever putting the disc in the drive, and it is by these dark deeds that i was so incensed this morning. I tell myself this is a crusade for what is right and true, but i wonder if its just the hours i spent finishing Lego Star Wars that this cheat didn't, yet on paper we have achieved the same thing.
This led me onto where else we cheat, why we cheat and how we can justify it to ourselves so easily while moaning about the decline in good old fashioned values. Take for example the downloading of material from the Internet. We log onto our torrent sites or P2P sites and we grab what we want be it music, books, films, TV shows or software. We don't stop to think about the consequence of this, we don't consider it theft & yet that's exactly what it is.
My good lady, as mentioned before, has an ebook reader and as sure as the sun will come up tomorrow she will be found downloading books, for nothing, to enjoy. Yet i know her well enough that she wouldn't go into a book shop grab something off the shelf and run out without paying. So i wonder where the difference is? She, along with a lot of people, agrees that shoplifting is wrong and should be punished, yet she feels no remorse or guilt over her cyberlifting. I once asked if she considered the prospect that as more people download for nothing, thus giving no royalties to the authors it would lead to those writers taking up bus driving to earn a living and not write books anymore as it didn't earn them an income. Although she could see the argument it didn't stop her downloading more books.
In the music industry, one of the hardest hit by the cyberlifting revolution, many have been vocal about the evils of the Internet culture. Lars Urich, drummer with metal band Metallica was a huge voice in the closure of pirate music site Napstar. He argued that although the downloading of music wasn't theft in the typical definition, by where a physical product is obtained without payment, it basically took the food out of the musicians mouth. Many people called him dramatic and accused him of being unrealistic, but i have to agree with him. Musicians, Authors, Software Programmers and even Actors do what they do to earn a living, in the same way you get up and go to work to pay bills so do they, yet we view them differently as if their work should be obtainable for free.
It is my opinion that the downloading culture is going to kill the arts on two levels -
1. As less and less people buy books, less and less will be earned by authors. This will lead to a situation where people don't write books anymore because there is no money in it. Publishers will not put books out because the return on their investment is so poor. Printing works will go out of business. With no books anymore what will be the need to teach people to read? Que the film 'Idiocracy'.
2. At the opposite end we will be inundated with rubbish. In the music industry many people slate record labels as the devil incarnate, money grabbing faceless suits not 'into' the band the way real fans are. Just stop to think off all the bands we are not subjected to, because the record labels acted as a buffer. My 10 year old could release an album, he cant sing very well, but with the joy of the Internet there is nothing to stop him recording on a Walkman him singing metallica and releasing it on the world. I think it would be adorable, but i strongly suspect I'm in the minority.
So next time your in HMV or JBHIFI and you think rather than buy season 5 of Lost or the new Metallica album i will just download it for nothing, remember that you are part of the reason those bands may not bother with another album, or cant afford to play a gig in your town because they didn't get any income from their last release. When your sitting enjoying the latest twilight novel on your ebook reader, fresh of the press at Demenoid, remember that Ms. Myers didn't write it for the enjoyment of writing, she wrote it to earn money & if she doesn't then where is the incentive for her to wrote another book?
You may be able to justify theft to yourself, but next time you read about a teenager stealing your BMW and driving away, think about the example of protection of property that your setting while you listen to your stolen MP3 files while reading your Stolen novel after watching your stolen copy of season 5 of 'Lost'.
To the uninitiated I am a keen player of a trusted xbox 360, when 'gamers' (and i use the term loosely to describe myself) play 360 games they unlock achievements for doing certain things, these can be finishing a level or finding a secret room. Most games are given 1000 achievement points and some may be worth 20 points while some are worth 100, anyway you get the picture. Now to be clear I know it shouldn't matter, i know i should play the game to enjoy it, especially considering that the points don't earn you anything, but there is a certain sense of satisfaction in getting those silly points & an even greater sense of accomplishment if you succeed in getting the full 1000/1000. Now to the ladder i mentioned, on the forum I'm a member of there is a league table where members Gamer score's are ranked in order, again this is childish, but the natural competitive nature of humans means that we take some gloating satisfaction at being above people on the ladder and look with envious eyes towards those above us.
There are ways in which gamers may cheat the system, boost their scores, there are ways to fool the xbox that you have played a game, got 1000/1000 points without ever putting the disc in the drive, and it is by these dark deeds that i was so incensed this morning. I tell myself this is a crusade for what is right and true, but i wonder if its just the hours i spent finishing Lego Star Wars that this cheat didn't, yet on paper we have achieved the same thing.
This led me onto where else we cheat, why we cheat and how we can justify it to ourselves so easily while moaning about the decline in good old fashioned values. Take for example the downloading of material from the Internet. We log onto our torrent sites or P2P sites and we grab what we want be it music, books, films, TV shows or software. We don't stop to think about the consequence of this, we don't consider it theft & yet that's exactly what it is.
My good lady, as mentioned before, has an ebook reader and as sure as the sun will come up tomorrow she will be found downloading books, for nothing, to enjoy. Yet i know her well enough that she wouldn't go into a book shop grab something off the shelf and run out without paying. So i wonder where the difference is? She, along with a lot of people, agrees that shoplifting is wrong and should be punished, yet she feels no remorse or guilt over her cyberlifting. I once asked if she considered the prospect that as more people download for nothing, thus giving no royalties to the authors it would lead to those writers taking up bus driving to earn a living and not write books anymore as it didn't earn them an income. Although she could see the argument it didn't stop her downloading more books.
In the music industry, one of the hardest hit by the cyberlifting revolution, many have been vocal about the evils of the Internet culture. Lars Urich, drummer with metal band Metallica was a huge voice in the closure of pirate music site Napstar. He argued that although the downloading of music wasn't theft in the typical definition, by where a physical product is obtained without payment, it basically took the food out of the musicians mouth. Many people called him dramatic and accused him of being unrealistic, but i have to agree with him. Musicians, Authors, Software Programmers and even Actors do what they do to earn a living, in the same way you get up and go to work to pay bills so do they, yet we view them differently as if their work should be obtainable for free.
It is my opinion that the downloading culture is going to kill the arts on two levels -
1. As less and less people buy books, less and less will be earned by authors. This will lead to a situation where people don't write books anymore because there is no money in it. Publishers will not put books out because the return on their investment is so poor. Printing works will go out of business. With no books anymore what will be the need to teach people to read? Que the film 'Idiocracy'.
2. At the opposite end we will be inundated with rubbish. In the music industry many people slate record labels as the devil incarnate, money grabbing faceless suits not 'into' the band the way real fans are. Just stop to think off all the bands we are not subjected to, because the record labels acted as a buffer. My 10 year old could release an album, he cant sing very well, but with the joy of the Internet there is nothing to stop him recording on a Walkman him singing metallica and releasing it on the world. I think it would be adorable, but i strongly suspect I'm in the minority.
So next time your in HMV or JBHIFI and you think rather than buy season 5 of Lost or the new Metallica album i will just download it for nothing, remember that you are part of the reason those bands may not bother with another album, or cant afford to play a gig in your town because they didn't get any income from their last release. When your sitting enjoying the latest twilight novel on your ebook reader, fresh of the press at Demenoid, remember that Ms. Myers didn't write it for the enjoyment of writing, she wrote it to earn money & if she doesn't then where is the incentive for her to wrote another book?
You may be able to justify theft to yourself, but next time you read about a teenager stealing your BMW and driving away, think about the example of protection of property that your setting while you listen to your stolen MP3 files while reading your Stolen novel after watching your stolen copy of season 5 of 'Lost'.
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