The Second Times A Charm

The 13th September is without a doubt the most hectic day of the year for my mobile phone. Every other day it sits forlorn on my desk or in the dark unknown of my coat pocket (what it has in there for company i don't know or want to know), but on the 13th of September it springs into life, chiming away all day, happy to be of use for at least 24hrs a year.

Why? Well the 13th of September is my wedding anniversary, it marks the day that my second wife and I decided to not let past experience bitter our hopes, but to take a chance that there is a happy ever after for everyone. It is also the same day my parents married 40 years ago & the same day my dearly beloved Aunt and Uncle tied the knot. So as you can imagine text's, calls and emails bounce around our family hub like 5 year old's at a party high on cola and smarties.

For 'she who must be obeyed' and I it marks 6 years of wedded bliss, and the second crack at marriage for both of us. In contrast my mum and dad have been united against the bumps in the road of life for 40 years. All this got me to thinking about how far I have come since my first marriage, what i have learnt and how i ensure that the next 34 years are as happy as the last 6. I concluded I have a lot to thank my first wife for.... There you didn't expect that did you?

Whats this? you ask, thanks for the nemesis who haunts your past and plagues your present, this cant be, but stop and consider the child learning to walk. He falls he gets up he tries again in a different way, and what is the failure of a marriage if not falling over, the trick is to learn from it and oh boy did i learn. I'm a firm believer that the failure of my 1st marriage has given me everything i need to make sure i don't fall over again & in there lays the crux of the matter.

How have my parents stayed together for 40years, happy and loving without the experience of what not to do? This is what i have been pondering over the cards, flowers and heart shaped chocolates. What has influenced the higher rate of divorce over the last 15 years, why does till death i do part now translate to till you get the letter from my lawyer? There are many who claim divorce is to easy, these people have obviously never tried to get divorced. Yet more claim its a degeneration of social values, oh i see that, now that abused women leave a violent husband rather than stay because of what the neighbours might say that's a real degeneration, i honestly worry about anyone who thinks that's a slip downhill in social values. Apparently pressure is a huge factor, many couples now have huge demands on relatively slight incomes, well that's been true for as long as anyone can remember & as time has gone by most of those demands are self inflicted cases of wanting the big house, flash car and plasma screen rather than needing new school shoes for the kids.

Sociologists claim its to do with example, just as a young male growing up in an environment where his dad beats his mum is statistically more likely to beat his own wife, divorced parents are more likely to have children who will also end up divorced. I disagree, my own parents are still married as are my ex wife's. If memory serves i think both sets celebrate their ruby wedding anniversary this year so that argument just doesn't hold water. In fact i would say that rather than look at my parents marriage with a degree of scorn and attempt to do things differently, as i did the 1st time around, i have taken a lot from their example and tried to emulate it.

The fact is simple, there are two types of divorced couples, those that hate each other and spit venom at one another constantly and those that cant move on past the failure to give life a second chance. The first should never have got married & the second should never have got a divorce, but all need not be lost. If you are in the first, thank your ex, be grateful for the lessons you have learnt & implement them next time around. Honestly i have found that i learnt so much from failing and by helping me fail my former spouse has helped me find much happiness. If you are in the second group of those who should not have got divorced things are much harder, because the chances are your ex spouse is the first group and there is no future in trying to love someone who now hates you, i have never been in this group so sorry but i can offer little advice.

So to conclude this is a post all about thanks. Thanks to the former Ms. Commonman for teaching me what not to do and in doing so teaching me how to get things right, thanks to my parents for never doing to me what my ex and i have done to our son & above everyone thanks to my good lady for not judging a future by its past, for having the courage to roll the dice again.... double six... advance to go collect another 6 bliss full years.