Head In The Sand

After a very long absence from my blog i have been pondering many things, but first up is the stupidity of thinking you can in some way control children. My son, bless him for his patience is growing up, not yet a teen, but no longer a child either. The conversations we have had taken on a new more mature context and his wants have become a little more demanding.

His all too soon transition to teenage angst approaches like the coming storm and I'm worried, not for him after all we all went through it and with a few bumps, scratches and mistakes we all came through the other side. No i worry for those around him, some of whom seem to be under the misguided opinion that when they say no to everything then what they want to happen will be what happens. Now don't get me wrong, I don't claim to be some parenting expert who has all the answers, but i have dragged three children through the teen years, often kicking and screaming, but they have all made it and done so to become decent people with good heads on shoulders, well most of the time.

The answer seems to be that if you say no to everything you fail in every way a parent can fail. I draw this from my own childhood where negotiation, compromise and an encouraged environment to formulate agreement were all key, yes my parents flat out said no to somethings, but looking back those requests were just plain unreasonable, but where possible my sister and I were encouraged to consider our requests, to compromise where possible & negotiate with thought for action and consequence. So it is these values I have used when approaching difficult teenage situations. All this said it seems my son is being raised in a dictatorship, where there is no negotiation, no compromise just rule & an expectation of unquestioning obedience. I have bad news for the would be Castro, this will not work!

Any parent who believes that saying no to a request will always result in the outcome you wanted is a fool, teenagers will do what teenagers have always done, they will go round the negative one way or another. My step son recently requested to dye his hair pink, now this was met with consideration, an explanation of the consequences & subsequent advice that if he must look like a stick of hubba bubba gum then at least get a professional to do it and not the girl at school. So he did, it came out orange and he now looks like a cross between the dulux dog and ron weasly, but hey he's happy with it so that's fine. Had we said no I have no doubts that he would have done it anyway and ended up with his hair falling out and blisters on his scalp from the bleaching so I'm of the opinion we went the right way.

So we come back to my son, who has left behind the Mario cart games and moved on to war based, shooting, blowing things up etc games. That is too say he would have if he were allowed by the powers that be in his household. No he is not allowed to play what all his classmates are playing, no it is not open to discussion and no there will be no compromise. In there lays the problem, does his ruler honestly think he pops over to a friends house, but says no to playing Call Of Duty 4 or Gears Of War 2 just because his mum said no? Of course he doesn't! The second you ban something you just make it more attractive, I remember a song by a band in the 80's that was banned by the BBC and subsequently entered the singles chart at number 1. I knew people in my youth who were told that they could not drink at parties, they were the ones with drink problems by 16. I have tales of the same person banning war games for my son who watched the Exorcist at 12 having been told under no circumstances to watch it.

To clarify I'm not supporting parents endorsing everything, children need limits and they need somethings to rebel against, to feel like they are young revolutionaries fighting the evil regime of tyranny, even if that's just an illusion created by devious parents. In our house smoking is frowned on, even though both of us are ex smokers, we go through the motions of banning the kids from smoking even though we know 2 of them do and there is nothing we can say to stop them, but we frown and rant and they feel they are, for want of a better term "sticking it to the man". However we ban drugs & all are aware that the consequence for bringing drugs, or the culture that goes with them will not be tolerated in any way. We allow, no encourage them to join us in controlled drinking, a beer with dinner or a glass of champagne on birthdays thus making them feel they are adults while teaching them how to respect booze. So it's all about striking a balance between No and meaning No, No and being open to negotiation, No and knowing it will be ignored and yes. So allow my son to play his games with his friends, say no to the porn under the bed, but accept it will still be there, say no to smoking but accept he will try it and say no to drugs and explain the consequences of ignoring that rule.

In my opinion, and experience this approach works, no it's not perfect, yes it means your giving ground on things you would rather not, but by compromise you maintain a little control, by dictatorship you risk the bloody uprising of the oppressed masses.